"Acceptance"

Dear Reader,

Sometimes people can be awful, can't they? And they don't even realize they're doing it sometimes. Or maybe they think they're being polite, but underlying messages and even the obvious intention of a statement can be painful. If you ever need someone to rant to, I know all about stupid and mean people. Text me, let's be friends.

Anyway, today I am going to share an idea of true acceptance.
My family does not fit in with our neighborhood. We are not perfect, and although we are members of the dominant faith, we don't see eye to eye about the stereotypical way everyone around us carries it out. I have not consistently gone to youth meetings since 8th grade. There are really only two people in our entire neighborhood that make me want to go at all. They are very sweet people who you can tell genuinely care about everyone around them.
If only everyone else were more like those two.

The youngest of my little brothers has ADHD, Dyslexia, and we suspect that he may be high functioning Asperger's Syndrome. He has a lot to overcome mentally, and at 11 years old, gets along better with kids a few years younger.
I love this kid with all my heart, and some families in the neighborhood that are fairly new, at least a few years newer than we are, have kids that are his age. My little brother thought these kids were awesome, these are his friends. But these kids it turns out, don't actually like him all that much. They like playing with him sometimes, but they will (and do) always pick others before him. Their parents? Tolerate him. I know these families very well, and have worked with them in school and other settings before. I know they get along pretty well with me, but it has become almost a trade off. Often times, I feel like I am tolerating them because of how differently they treat me than they do my brother.
I am a snarky, sarcastic person with an impulsive need to fight everything and everyone. This is a habit I am working to control, but sometimes, I find it useful. Especially when it comes to defending my family.
My family is dysfunctional. Every one of us has at least one mental disorder, though when I think about it I'm pretty sure we all have at least 2. We don't enjoy going to church because we struggle to feel spiritually connected to what we believe to be true when we always feel we are being judged. Judgement is one thing our religion is specifically against. Our religious leaders teach of being accepting of all, of showing unconditional love to those around us.
They do not teach of silent judgments, passive aggressive remarks, and arrogant tolerance of those who are different.
So why is it happening? I wish I had an answer, but feeling like an outcast who is only communicated with as an assignment, so people can feel they are accepting, is bull. It is absolute bull and I would use a swear word if I were not a woman of higher vocabulary.
I understand people have flaws. I like to think I am 100% accepting of those flaws (see "Being You"). And I usually am. But if those flaws are aggressive, and those "flaws" are hurting my family, then enough is enough. I will fight back and you will not like it.

However this is not just a story of my families frustrations, and how we've become to afraid to reach out to neighbors because of their (quite frankly, a little wealthy) egotistical, attitudes that constantly send us the message that they think they're better.

This is about what we can do, to never make anyone feel this from ourselves.

Acceptance is more than tolerance. Tolerance is acknowledging that flaws are there and continuing on despite them. Acceptance is acknowledging that flaws are there, and continuing on with them, because of them. Tolerance is "I know you have these bad habits, but I'm willing to be your friend anyway." This often leads to one side only giving half effort and creating a toxic environment within that relationship for both parties. Acceptance is "I know you have bad habits and other things to overcome. So do I. All the more reason to work together."

A few more examples:
Tolerance: Putting up with bad habits.
Acceptance: "Hey, this is a habit that kind of bothers/hurts me sometimes. Can we talk about how to make each other feel comfortable and work through some of this stuff together?"

Tolerance: "I know you can't change this so I'm going to hang out with other people until you can get it under control."
Acceptance: "Hey, I know you can't change this. Maybe we can use some space for both of our mental health, but let's talk and see how we can get through this. We'll definitely let each other know if we really need something. Space is not an infinite solution."

They seem really similar, in fact it's super hard to know if you are tolerating habits or accepting a person for who they are, especially in the moment. Once again referencing my previous article, "Being You," flaws are a part of the human condition. I used a metaphor saying that we are like broken glass. Some edges are smooth, some are sharp. We cannot always change our shape or what parts of us affect other people. But if someone gets hurt on a sharp end, what is important to a true meaningful friendship, romantic relationship, anything at all, is being able to notice it, back up, come at it from a different angle where you won't get poked by the sharp end, and then smooth out the glass together. Sometimes, you may still bump into that habit, but it hurts less after being smoothed down. Progress is being made. You will get there eventually, together. With enough resilience and patience.

Tolerance: Look, I think we both need to figure some things out. I think we need to be done (for a while).
Acceptance: Let's make sure we are doing what we need for ourselves, even if that requires space and time for a little bit, but let's work this out together. 

My favorite quote I have ever read regarding any relationship, is:
"Remember, it is never you vs. them. It is both of you against the problem." If we visualize how we treat others this way, we can find the good parts of them, and hold on through the dark moments. Everyone has them. It is so important that we continue to be there for those around us even when it's hard. Think of the people in your life who have done the same for you.

My family and I, are not always accepted by our neighbors. In fact, we seldom are. To avoid making enemies, we kept to ourselves. But we have each other. My family, extends far beyond my immediate family by blood. My friends are my family. My coworkers are my family. My school is my family.
Text me, let's be friends. Because at the end of the day, I like helping people. I want people to feel unconditionally accepted and loved. I will do everything I can to be accepting of those around me, I extend this same challenge to you. And when you are a part of my family?
I like to hope that you'll never be lonely again.

Be kind. Be loving. Be accepting.
Do no harm but take no crap.

Ever Sincerely,
Emily Kate