"Moving On"

Dear… world,

Yeah, all of you. I may take time to write individual letters to people, but I'd have a lot of letters to write. There's a new chapter coming, and it's scary. 

Not gonna lie, the future gives me a panic attack whenever I think about it. Not trying to be overly dramatic, just honest. 

But once I'm done hyperventilating in a corner, I find solace in stories. I find joy in adventures that take us back to good old times. I’m writing this right now because I just finished a story and got this huge wave of nostalgia. Like… huge. High school is pretty much over. I’ve only got so long left before I head off to college, and while I’m super excited for that chapter of my life… I am also terrified. And I mean terrified. The unknown is easily my greatest fear. I have other irrational fears, but they all kind of stem from that one. I hate the dark because I can’t see, and anything could be just beyond my vision. And I wouldn’t know. I hate going down in elevators because dropping with no physical control over yourself… you don’t know what would happen if something went wrong. I hate not knowing. I hate not having control. I hate being afraid. It’s literally the worst. I don’t know what’s coming and sometimes I do wish it was all just… over. As a kid, my faith is still a little shakeable. Excuse me for a moment while I take a tangent. 

The other day, I was contemplating death. And that sounds super edgy and dramatic, but I was thinking about my grandpa’s death, and other family members I’ve lost, and I realized one day, I wouldn’t have my parents with me anymore, and that thought was the most horrifying, gut wrenching thought I have ever had. I realized I could be living one day without my brothers, without my family, and I nearly had to pull over because I was getting so emotional and my anxiety was kicking in and that’s not good while you’re driving. And I wondered how on earth could I be sure? How on earth could I know there was an afterlife? I imagined dying and my brain just went black and I began to freeze up. Then the words of my mom came into my head. 

“I have never doubted since.” She was talking about her experience with the Book of Mormon. I haven’t read the Book of Mormon cover to cover yet. I want to, and I will especially if I go on a mission. But I realized something. Death is less scary for adults because they have made their way, they have found their path, they have their foundation, and their faith keeps them going. 

For a kid? Losing their parent is a nightmare because they don’t always have that unshakable faith quite yet. They’re still young, still learning. And becoming an adult and achieving that faith is a long hard process. And it is going to involve trials. It is going to involve loss. It is going to involve change. 

That’s my other phobia. Change. I hate it when things change. So much so that I suspect some of my being so averse to dating for so long was because when my friends got into relationships, the whole dynamic of the group changed and my subconscious, and my conscious conscious, didn’t like that at all. 

But I have made the decision. Through the end of this year, and this summer, I am going to take risks. I am going to make sure that saying goodbye is SO FREAKING HARD BECAUSE THE HARDER IT IS THE MORE IT MEANT TO YOU. I want to know that I am proud of everything I accomplished, that I don’t regret my mistakes and I learned and grew from them. I am going to send out a homeschool graduation announcement that I design myself. Possibly including a picture with my devil horns (if I can find them.) I am going to read, and watch movies, and absorb every story I possibly can. I don’t want to live just one life, I want to live thousands. And as I write this, the fear that drove me to do so is already subsiding. Change is hard. Change is scary. Sometimes, ripping the bandaid off works, sometimes it makes it more painful and sudden. 

It isn’t the same for everyone. The future, the past, the unknown, plans being difficult, plans going off the rails, and not having a plan, it all jumbles together into this mess of emotions and irrational thoughts that we’re too scared to face a lot of the time. 

This is so messy, this whole thing. But I hope it’s worth a read. 

Life is great. Life is hard. Life is a disaster. Life is beautiful. Life is the worst. Life is the best. Everything is unpredictable and people change, sometimes on a day to day basis. We will meet people and lose people. We will see and hear things that upset us. We will feel and touch things that excite us. We will be fully and completely human. 

Here is the point I’m trying to make it what will likely turn out to be several more paragraphs: 

Make a list. Make a list of everything you want to do until we move on to college. Ride a boat, go on that one roller coaster, ask that cute person out on a date, maybe even go on your first date, or your seventh date because you’re a hermit like me who finally got out there but is just awkward enough that you still kind of avoid it even if people asked you out you’d totally be down. Do something so stupid. Jump out of a tree. Build a pillow fort. Do something crazy with your hair. Get a henna tattoo. Drive your car down the canyon with the windows down, blasting Taylor Swift or AJR or Ava Max or Cascada or Kelly Clarkson or DISNEY MUSIC I don’t care whatever makes you feel good! Whatever makes your soul sigh! Belt your heart out, badly or well, and who cares if you voice crack keep going! Dance in the rain, barefoot and splash in every puddle you see. Run through the sprinklers, sit on a fence and look at the moon, count the stars from on top of a hill. Sit on your roof and watch the sunrise. Make a super cool super delicious cake. Go skateboarding or roller skating or biking around town with your friends. Play with your dog, play frisbee! (Seriously frisbee is so fun and so underrated I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again). Send out 200 texts then turn your phone off and don’t look at it for 8 hours. Take pictures with your friends, play games with your family, Wear that shirt you always kind of want to wear then always worry it doesn’t look good on you. Stay in the shower for 30 minutes. Take off your shoes and wade in that river. Run down the biggest hill you can find, swing on the swingset at a park, go down the slide and paint a cool rock and leave it for someone else to find! Visit your grandparents, out of the blue. Grandparents love that, it helps them know you really do care when their teenage grandchild pops in randomly and of their own accord. Paint the most amazing thing ever. Wear your pajamas all day. Slide across hardwood or tile floors in your fuzzy socks. 

LIVE

Live in every single moment. Capture it, remember it. Take chances and don’t care what anyone else thinks. Live 100% for you, and let others make it even better. Do what you want, say what you believe, and be what you feel. You’re only a teen for so long. Make the very most of it. And invite me along, I like seeing where other people are headed. 

You all have a story. WE all have a story. Every single one of us. And while I may be an intro/extrovert, I don’t mind people so much because they each have a story and I love stories. LIVE YOUR FREAKING DREAMS AND DON’T LET ANYONE STOP YOU. Do things! Take chances! Run wild and yell out loud. If the moon can’t hear you, you aren’t being loud enough. The stars are cheering you on, you’re the only you that they can see, so give them a show! Go adventuring in the middle of the night. Find a stick and use it as a sword, cross the great river and slay the mighty beast. Be the hero of your own story. Invite your closest friends along for every one of your crazy exploits, make memories. If you have a gut feeling to call or text or hangout with someone, DO IT. Even if you normally wouldn’t. Your gut just knows sometimes. Listen for the spirit, it has really great ideas. Follow them. Do you, go forth in the Lord’s work, and be remembered as someone who never wasted a single second. 

It’s senior year guys. I know it’s over, but we’ve had our last Halloween, our last Christmas, our last Easter, our last… well, just about everything. We’re almost done. This isn’t just the end of a chapter, it’s kind of the end of a book. We are finishing a novel and moving on to the sequel. In the sequel, sometimes the characters change, the plot and setting are different. Relish the adventure of a lifetime. 

Call people, show up at your best friend’s house and leave cookies on their porch, then sit 6 feet away and chat. Learn a new sport, a new instrument. Have a freaking BLAST. 

Guys, life is so short. I don’t want to have any regrets, and neither should you. So LIVE. I want to hear spontaneity. I want to see passion. I want to feel adventure. I want to taste the greatest that life has to offer. I want to smell salt water, and desert sand and pine trees and city air and ALL OF IT. 

And I hope you do too. 

In conclusion, take some risks. Take some chances. Put yourself out there and stand there, just as you are, for the whole world to see. Have the most epic adventures ever. Because we’re all about to move on. 

We should have something to tell people we meet. 

Live in the moment, and capture every second.

Ever sincerely, 

Emily Kate