"The Darkest Hour"

Dear Readers and Friends,
It's been just a hot second since I've posted. And by that I mean approximately a week.
I like to think that I am an optimist, someone who looks for the good in people and believes that even if life sucks right now, and that it is okay to feel and act like you know you're in a rough place, that it will get better one day. But often times, "one day" is a far off goal, that becomes exhausting and difficult to strive for. So I'm not going to talk about "one day." I'm not going to talk about "the light coming through the clouds" or the "silver lining."
     Let's talk about the "not so great" moments that come with being human.
     A few days ago, I was in a rough spot. It was a very brief rough spot, just a day, driven to a dark place by anxiety. It was one of those days where you want to run away from everything that is stressing you out, everything that is dragging you down. You want to run away and hide from the voices. But you can't. Because they're in your head. (Now please note that emotions belong in your head, your head is where you process things, and saying something is "in your head" does not invalidate what you are feeling in any way. Never tell someone that it's "all in their head" because chances are, they know that. They know it's not completely rational to be feeling this way but that doesn't mean they aren't feeling it or that they can just turn it off.) Because it was in my head, I couldn't run away. You can't run from your own mind. For better or worse, you're kind of stuck with it. But I was getting so frustrated down in my basement that I ended up throwing my glasses. It's a reason I pushed for contacts for so long is because I have a bad habit of throwing things when I'm truly angry, and no one is around to judge me for it.
     This was possibly my favorite pair of glasses I had ever owned. I actually liked wearing them sometimes. And in a rage, without thinking, while the voices in my head screamed and taunted at me, I threw them against a cement floor. The frame cracked. The lenses a little scratched up, but still fine to see through. But the frame was broken. I found those glasses still broken on the floor this morning, and became really sad.
     It was not my proudest moment.
     We all have those moments. Those moments are inevitable. I'm not going to share tips on how to get through them, I'm not going to share ideas on how to avoid them. I just want to talk about them. they are unavoidable and to avoid talking about them is just one more way that people aren't truly real with one another. So I'd like to do that.
     The emotions that often cause these "not so great" moments, are: anger, rage, sadness, frustration, confusion, fear, disgust, annoyance, loneliness, anxiety, guilt, embarrassment. There are so many others that we can't always put words to. I think the biggest thing with these emotions is acknowledging that they are there, accepting that they are there, and figuring out how to feel them in the best way. You are going to feel them. if you don't, that's just not healthy. Allow me to take a small religious tangent:

     Negative emotions, suck. They do. I am not the best at coping with them in a spiritual way. I struggle to turn to the scriptures, or to conference talks. I am not a perfect member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. But you will never, ever, hear me deny my testimony of the Savior. You will never ever hear me say that the Atonement doesn't work. Because even if I don't turn to my scriptures, even if I am not on my knees, if I have the thought, if I ask, if I listen to the right music, He is there during all of my darkest hours. I have never been closer to my Savior than when I felt so far away and isolated from the rest of the world. Something I do in many of my dark hours, is I will pray, and ask for a hug. Whether or not I want a physical human being to come find me and give me a hug, I will ask for one. Because that feeling, that spirit that touches your soul right then, it makes you feel so warm. That is a hug from your Savior.
   
     In these darkest moments, we often have the urges to do things we would not normally do. Impulses and instincts that kick in. The urge to throw things, for example. But there are other impulses. Ones that do not just affect objects, but that drastically can affect others, and you yourself. The urge to yell, to scream, to insult. Spitting fire and venom at those around you with words you don't mean. The urge to be violent. To shove things and throw things and break things. Some people have the urge to hurt themselves. Some people have the urge to end themselves.
     Read this very carefully. If you have any of these urges, before you give into them, talk to someone. It may seem ridiculous, but you will know who to talk to. You will know whether or not to talk about how you're feeling, or simply say "Hey, I'm in a not so great spot right now, can we talk and de-stress?" If you don't know of anyone you could or want to go to, text me. Let's be friends. 801-678-3757
     Please. I have been there. I have had scars from nights spent alone. I have had scratches deep enough to bleed hidden where no one can see. I have been there. I have overcome it. I did it almost alone. I never want anyone to have to get through it the way I did. Please. I will listen. I will be flexible to your needs. Talk to someone. If your first impulse isn't to find support or refuge, try to make it a habit. Habit can trump impulse and it is one of the few things that does so. These dark places are terrifying, they are scary. The thing we fear most about them, is that while your head is spinning and your heart may be racing, you may feel completely calm. That calm is a lie. It is not true. Go to someone. Go to religion, go to your sibling, go to your friend. Go to someone. You CAN push through this. But it will be infinitely harder alone. You are supported. You may be too tired to reach out, so I am reaching to you. Please.
     Don't do it alone. You did not come this far, to just come this far.

     The world is a scary place. It is unfamiliar and dark, and cruel and confusing. We will all find ourselves in these dark hours. I encourage you to seek refuge from the storms inside of you. I encourage you to accept that you may be unstable or lost right now, or in the future. And I encourage you to find the best way for you to move forward. Speed doesn't matter. Progress is progress.
     You do not have to bear this burden by yourself. Not everyone will be ready or willing to accept the weight, but the people who truly matter, will.
     I am ready and willing to carry weight with you.
     Do not give up. You are loved.
Ever sincerely,
Emily Kate