"Mistakes"

Dear Readers,

Okay, bear with me. I was watching Avatar the Last Air-Bender, and I'm going to try not to go into the developmental flaws in the episode I was watching, but that might happen so feel free to skip those parts. I was watching an episode in book 1, the one where Aang tries to learn firebending before he's ready, with Jeong-Jeong, and he accidentally burns Katara. I have to say, it did not seem like Katara to run off crying, like yeah it hurts but I think she would trust her brother and others enough to at least stand her ground. Crying yeah, that's fine, but like... running away? That's not Katara. I didn't like that. It was pushy writing to add guilt to Aang in order to fuel his later actions.

BACK TO THE POINT. So in this episode, Aang burns Katara because he isn't being careful. Jeong Jeong and others try to warn him about it, but they're continuously cryptic and not straightforward, and then they're all super mad at him and disappointed when he makes a mistake. Fire is dangerous, it's not something to be played around with and Aang knew that, but it kind of made me think.

Some of the greatest/most important lessons I have ever learned were not when I avoided trouble by listening to those around me, but when I made a stupid decision, a mistake, and I faced the consequences. Learning and growing are not about allowing others to teach you how to avoid consequences, but to let you make your mistakes, then stand by you and help you face the consequences. It's a part of life, rather than instructing how not to mess up, teach people how to mess up, and then clean it up after. Teach them how to turn these things into learning experiences. Teach them to think fast. Teach them to react and think things through, so if this ever applies to a drastic case, like fire, they get their sense of panic and guilt that they will avoid feeling again, but they can avoid dire or drastic results that affect those around them.

We were not put on this earth to be judged for not obeying every rule. We are not living our lives to think about how we can best avoid messing up. Humans are flawed, we are going to screw up, trip over ourselves and make mistakes a hundred times over. The most important thing is to make sure that we learn from those mistakes. Learning from the choices of others is a great skill to have. But you will always learn more from the choices you make yourself.

This is really short and I'm halfway through another thought/essay/rant I started a few days ago, maybe even a week ago so we'll see when that goes up.

But remember not to beat yourself up over mistakes. Find the lesson, clean up your mess, and move on.
Ever sincerely,
Emily Kate

"Second Place"

Dear Reader,

I've gotten into a habit of posting on Sundays, but I'm breaking that habit. This is a lesson I am still learning, the hard way. And it is a sucky lesson. Nevertheless, we are all going to learn it at some point. This is a power monologue, or a slam poem more than it is a nice, uplifting blog post. JUst warning you right now.

     There's a quote that has stuck with me since I heard it in a cartoon. The line was meant to be a joke, but it somehow the dart hit the bullseye and it has never left me. The line was, "Second place is first place for losers."
Anyone who knows me, knows that I hate to lose. I can handle being on a winning team, I can handle not always having the obvious "victory." But I cannot STAND to lose. So much so that when I had a wall sit contest with some of my coworkers, I ended up going for an extra minute just to be in second place because it caused me so much stress and anxiety to be last. Because of this, I work extremely hard to be noticed, to improve, to become known for my skills in certain areas. I am also known for how competitive I am. I hate to lose. But when it's out of your control who wins and who loses, you realize something.
     For some people out there, you could be the very best they've ever seen at something. You could work your rear end off day and night, you could deserve what you are working for more than anyone ever has before.
     But for some people, that won't be good enough. Life sucks. Life doesn't play fair. You could win a battle, but ultimately lose the war. For some people, no matter what you do, you aren't good enough. For some people, you are always the extra, the nobody. You are half noticed, or half seen, or not noticed at all. Some people will always be biased, they will always pick favorites, and you will always be second place. If that.
     "Second place is first place for losers."
     For me, there are these same someones who all the time, always pick the exact same people, for the exact same things. I am second best, I am not seen or heard half of the time, or even most of the time. But because my habit is to bite my tongue, and put on a brave face, they don't care. I cannot tell you how many times adults have come up to me and made the most ignorant, rude comments because they simply aren't paying attention. How many times people are surprised by my talents taht I practice daily, they just don't care enough to see. It enrages me, it infuriates me, every time I think about it. i have been angry for months, no joke. Angry, furious, frustrated, sick and tense. Because all I wanted was a chance, and those chances were always given to the exact same people.

     Sometimes that's how life is. And it SUCKS, and you want to THROW THINGS, and you want to stand on your roof and CURSE until your throat and reputation are broken beyond repair.
     Because the people with power or authority are always the ones who can't look past their own noses and see that people exist. Real people with real feelings.
     These people? They're taking you for granted. You want to know what to do?
     Get out.
     Leave and never return. Run until the wind can't find you. If your absence doesn't affect their life, than your presence meant nothing to it. So run. Scream into the air and fight with that fire, that boiling rage that comes from being second place. What is the best part of a movie? When the underdog wins. The audeince cheers and cries and finds hope and energy when the underdog wins, because we've all been there. We've all been the underdog. We've all been in second place.
     Heck, some idiot called Einstein stupid as a child. Spite is one heck of a motivator.

     So go, win. Because you will one day. And those people who always put you in second place will be embarrassed, they will feel stupid and they will be sorry. Don't let them keep you down. If you don't, then they can't. Don't let circumstances change your dreams.

     Second place is NOT first place for winners. Second place is for winners in training.
     This is not nearly as uplifting as a post as my other ones. This is not to inspire hope and patience. This is to inspire confidence and motivation. This is to get you to fight for what you deserve, for what you want. This is to get people to stand up for themselves, to realize that when picking teams, when picking people for a play, when picking which friends to invite on an exclusive trip, it will not be fair. It will never be completely, totally, one hundred percent fair. Never. This is a wake-up call. You are confident, strong, and you can beat this.

Go get them second place.
Ever Sincerely,
Emily Kate

"Open Arms"

Dear readers,

How are you? Is life treating you well?
I have a question for you, and I want you to answer honestly. Just in your own mind. Take a minute to think about it.

Who do you trust?

Some of my friends read these posts. If I don't immediately spring to mind, no harm no foul. I struggle to trust people. We all have issues with our boundaries and we pick and choose who we let inside our walls. If you didn't pick me, that's understandable and accepted with love as a fact. We cannot bear our souls to everyone, so we pick the few we deem correct. Not everyone will see everyone else's soul.

Keep thinking about that question.

I saw a quote the other day that really struck me. It came after this story:
"I was sitting in a restaurant and on the other side of the aisle, in a booth, was this family. A little boy had his children's cup of powerade, and he wasn't being very careful. He dropped it, and spilled it all over the table, some of it dripped onto the floor. The little boy looked so scared, almost like he would cry, as he looked up at his dad.
His dad scooted him out of the booth, grabbed a handful of napkins, and said:
"It's okay, you weren't being careful. Watch for that next time, okay? Or you'll make more messes like this. Now let me show you how to clean it up."
I was almost floored from my own seat. Part of me had expected the father to be upset, and frustrated that in a public restaurant, his child had been messing around and made that mess. But instead he explained that that was how life works, that was the consequence of his not being careful, and helped him clean it up."
This story had a comment on it, that read, "This hit home. I was yelled at a lot as a kid, and as I am about to become a father, I realized something. When my kid messes up, at any age, I never want them to think "Oh shoot, my dad is going to kill me." I want their first thought to be, "Oh shoo, I've got to tell my dad.""

This got me thinking. Am I that kind of person? If someone messes up, do they fear my judgement or my wrath? I never want anyone to think that I will think less of them, be unkind or angry with them, just because they messed up. When I am grown, when I become a mother, if my son crashes my car, I want them to think, "I've got to call mom." Heck, if my daughter ends up pregnant at 16, I want her to think, "Mom will know what to do. Mom will help me figure this out." Consequences often times take care of themselves, but relationships of any and all kinds should not be maintained with fear.

I have messed up too. I've messed up big, I've messed up small. I mess up all the time. I am cross, I say things I shouldn't, I break things, I hurt people.
But as I evaluate my life, I realized, I should not be afraid of others' views of my mistakes. My mistakes are mine to make, and the consequences mine to handle as I choose.
I began to go through names of people I knew. If I messed up, and telling them was a prominent option, would I think, "They'll listen." or "They'll have advice." or was it, "What would they think?"
If it was the third one, I either cut them out of my life, or cut them out of certain areas.

I want to be the person that if someone messed up, big, bad, small, or insignificant, whatever. If someone messes up, they know I'm someone they could tell. Free of judgement. Even if they wouldn't tell me, maybe we aren't that kind of friends, or just aren't very close, that's fine. But I want people to know and trust that I will accept them, mistakes and all, every burden they carry, with open arms.

If my friend rips my favorite sweater, "No big, I can sew. I'll figure it out."
If my brother breaks my lamp. "I really liked that lamp, I expect you to help me replace it, but accidents happen."
Maybe I'll need time, we all do after something out of our control affects us in a way we cannot always repair. Forgiveness isn't always a fast process, but my goal is to make it a consistent one.

I have a 20 minute rule. Not everyone knows about it, lots of people forget, or ignore it. I am allowed to be mad, sad, angry, furious, distraught, for 20 minutes. I get 20 minutes, to genuinely feel my feelings, then I move on. We look at the problem objectively and move forward trying to fix it with a rational head.
20 minutes is all it takes.
20 minutes, and my arms are open once again.

Now let's go back to that question.
Who do you trust?
Has the answer changed? Have you thought of people who you should trust? Of people that you thought you did trust, but are thinking maybe you shouldn't?

If you fear judgement, if you not fully believe you will be met with open arms, it is time to rethink how they are allowed to impact your life.

Keep your arms open. Be judgement free, be loving, and forgiving.
Be the person you needed when you felt like you had no one at all.
That is what will truly change the world for the better.

Ever sincerely,
Emily Kate

"The Darkest Hour"

Dear Readers and Friends,
It's been just a hot second since I've posted. And by that I mean approximately a week.
I like to think that I am an optimist, someone who looks for the good in people and believes that even if life sucks right now, and that it is okay to feel and act like you know you're in a rough place, that it will get better one day. But often times, "one day" is a far off goal, that becomes exhausting and difficult to strive for. So I'm not going to talk about "one day." I'm not going to talk about "the light coming through the clouds" or the "silver lining."
     Let's talk about the "not so great" moments that come with being human.
     A few days ago, I was in a rough spot. It was a very brief rough spot, just a day, driven to a dark place by anxiety. It was one of those days where you want to run away from everything that is stressing you out, everything that is dragging you down. You want to run away and hide from the voices. But you can't. Because they're in your head. (Now please note that emotions belong in your head, your head is where you process things, and saying something is "in your head" does not invalidate what you are feeling in any way. Never tell someone that it's "all in their head" because chances are, they know that. They know it's not completely rational to be feeling this way but that doesn't mean they aren't feeling it or that they can just turn it off.) Because it was in my head, I couldn't run away. You can't run from your own mind. For better or worse, you're kind of stuck with it. But I was getting so frustrated down in my basement that I ended up throwing my glasses. It's a reason I pushed for contacts for so long is because I have a bad habit of throwing things when I'm truly angry, and no one is around to judge me for it.
     This was possibly my favorite pair of glasses I had ever owned. I actually liked wearing them sometimes. And in a rage, without thinking, while the voices in my head screamed and taunted at me, I threw them against a cement floor. The frame cracked. The lenses a little scratched up, but still fine to see through. But the frame was broken. I found those glasses still broken on the floor this morning, and became really sad.
     It was not my proudest moment.
     We all have those moments. Those moments are inevitable. I'm not going to share tips on how to get through them, I'm not going to share ideas on how to avoid them. I just want to talk about them. they are unavoidable and to avoid talking about them is just one more way that people aren't truly real with one another. So I'd like to do that.
     The emotions that often cause these "not so great" moments, are: anger, rage, sadness, frustration, confusion, fear, disgust, annoyance, loneliness, anxiety, guilt, embarrassment. There are so many others that we can't always put words to. I think the biggest thing with these emotions is acknowledging that they are there, accepting that they are there, and figuring out how to feel them in the best way. You are going to feel them. if you don't, that's just not healthy. Allow me to take a small religious tangent:

     Negative emotions, suck. They do. I am not the best at coping with them in a spiritual way. I struggle to turn to the scriptures, or to conference talks. I am not a perfect member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. But you will never, ever, hear me deny my testimony of the Savior. You will never ever hear me say that the Atonement doesn't work. Because even if I don't turn to my scriptures, even if I am not on my knees, if I have the thought, if I ask, if I listen to the right music, He is there during all of my darkest hours. I have never been closer to my Savior than when I felt so far away and isolated from the rest of the world. Something I do in many of my dark hours, is I will pray, and ask for a hug. Whether or not I want a physical human being to come find me and give me a hug, I will ask for one. Because that feeling, that spirit that touches your soul right then, it makes you feel so warm. That is a hug from your Savior.
   
     In these darkest moments, we often have the urges to do things we would not normally do. Impulses and instincts that kick in. The urge to throw things, for example. But there are other impulses. Ones that do not just affect objects, but that drastically can affect others, and you yourself. The urge to yell, to scream, to insult. Spitting fire and venom at those around you with words you don't mean. The urge to be violent. To shove things and throw things and break things. Some people have the urge to hurt themselves. Some people have the urge to end themselves.
     Read this very carefully. If you have any of these urges, before you give into them, talk to someone. It may seem ridiculous, but you will know who to talk to. You will know whether or not to talk about how you're feeling, or simply say "Hey, I'm in a not so great spot right now, can we talk and de-stress?" If you don't know of anyone you could or want to go to, text me. Let's be friends. 801-678-3757
     Please. I have been there. I have had scars from nights spent alone. I have had scratches deep enough to bleed hidden where no one can see. I have been there. I have overcome it. I did it almost alone. I never want anyone to have to get through it the way I did. Please. I will listen. I will be flexible to your needs. Talk to someone. If your first impulse isn't to find support or refuge, try to make it a habit. Habit can trump impulse and it is one of the few things that does so. These dark places are terrifying, they are scary. The thing we fear most about them, is that while your head is spinning and your heart may be racing, you may feel completely calm. That calm is a lie. It is not true. Go to someone. Go to religion, go to your sibling, go to your friend. Go to someone. You CAN push through this. But it will be infinitely harder alone. You are supported. You may be too tired to reach out, so I am reaching to you. Please.
     Don't do it alone. You did not come this far, to just come this far.

     The world is a scary place. It is unfamiliar and dark, and cruel and confusing. We will all find ourselves in these dark hours. I encourage you to seek refuge from the storms inside of you. I encourage you to accept that you may be unstable or lost right now, or in the future. And I encourage you to find the best way for you to move forward. Speed doesn't matter. Progress is progress.
     You do not have to bear this burden by yourself. Not everyone will be ready or willing to accept the weight, but the people who truly matter, will.
     I am ready and willing to carry weight with you.
     Do not give up. You are loved.
Ever sincerely,
Emily Kate