Unsure

 Here’s the problem: 

I have too many. Problems, I mean. It’s the most frustrating mess. I am a walking contradiction. Now I know, some people hear that, and think that “oh well everyone is in some way!” No, not like me. I loathe this about myself, but I am a walking, stereotypical “female” contradiction. I want people to know what I’m feeling, but I don’t want to tell them. I hate showing emotion, but I do, and part of it, is for attention. I also hate the fact that I feel emotions at all. They suck. Emotions are a little bitch messing up every good thing in life. My own mind is a prison that has no laws against cruel and unusual punishment. This includes my drastic need to cry in the shower for a straight 45 minutes sometimes. And I despise it. I loathe it. I hate the mindset of not loving yourself but recently I have been forced to face the fact that some people don’t. 

I have been forced to face the fact… that I don’t. 

I talk about self love like it’s gospel. I speak of loving yourself and who you are for all your quirks and flaws as thought it would cure the black plague. 

And here I am. 

Realizing that I don’t love myself. 

That a lot of the time, I want to be a hermit. I don’t always let myself, and it is emotionally and mentally, and even physically, draining. 

Realizing that 80% of the time I want to be a hermit, is because I do not feel I am stable enough to be around people. A loaded gun, a lit cannon. 

I am frustrating, and work to be around, and that is just a fact. 

I don’t like myself. 

Lots of people don’t. 

And yet, 

When I look back on the person I was a few years ago, I often cringe. I often feel embarrassed, and upset. I am not proud of who I was. And I have hope for how far I’ve come. How many times have I wanted to reach back to past Emily, and tell her she gets better? Tell her not to give up hope? 

Is future me, looking back, and praying that I hold on long enough to become her? 

Is she wondering, and hoping, that I will make it through this? Does she want to give me a loving hug, and a heart full of understanding, the same way I wish I could give those things to my past self? 

I don’t really have a point or a conclusion to this. But you know what, as much as I want to give up sometimes, as angry, and hurt, and lost as I feel, I will keep going. 

I’ll keep going, for you, future me. Only for you.

"Mistakes"

Dear Readers,

Okay, bear with me. I was watching Avatar the Last Air-Bender, and I'm going to try not to go into the developmental flaws in the episode I was watching, but that might happen so feel free to skip those parts. I was watching an episode in book 1, the one where Aang tries to learn firebending before he's ready, with Jeong-Jeong, and he accidentally burns Katara. I have to say, it did not seem like Katara to run off crying, like yeah it hurts but I think she would trust her brother and others enough to at least stand her ground. Crying yeah, that's fine, but like... running away? That's not Katara. I didn't like that. It was pushy writing to add guilt to Aang in order to fuel his later actions.

BACK TO THE POINT. So in this episode, Aang burns Katara because he isn't being careful. Jeong Jeong and others try to warn him about it, but they're continuously cryptic and not straightforward, and then they're all super mad at him and disappointed when he makes a mistake. Fire is dangerous, it's not something to be played around with and Aang knew that, but it kind of made me think.

Some of the greatest/most important lessons I have ever learned were not when I avoided trouble by listening to those around me, but when I made a stupid decision, a mistake, and I faced the consequences. Learning and growing are not about allowing others to teach you how to avoid consequences, but to let you make your mistakes, then stand by you and help you face the consequences. It's a part of life, rather than instructing how not to mess up, teach people how to mess up, and then clean it up after. Teach them how to turn these things into learning experiences. Teach them to think fast. Teach them to react and think things through, so if this ever applies to a drastic case, like fire, they get their sense of panic and guilt that they will avoid feeling again, but they can avoid dire or drastic results that affect those around them.

We were not put on this earth to be judged for not obeying every rule. We are not living our lives to think about how we can best avoid messing up. Humans are flawed, we are going to screw up, trip over ourselves and make mistakes a hundred times over. The most important thing is to make sure that we learn from those mistakes. Learning from the choices of others is a great skill to have. But you will always learn more from the choices you make yourself.

This is really short and I'm halfway through another thought/essay/rant I started a few days ago, maybe even a week ago so we'll see when that goes up.

But remember not to beat yourself up over mistakes. Find the lesson, clean up your mess, and move on.
Ever sincerely,
Emily Kate

"Second Place"

Dear Reader,

I've gotten into a habit of posting on Sundays, but I'm breaking that habit. This is a lesson I am still learning, the hard way. And it is a sucky lesson. Nevertheless, we are all going to learn it at some point. This is a power monologue, or a slam poem more than it is a nice, uplifting blog post. JUst warning you right now.

     There's a quote that has stuck with me since I heard it in a cartoon. The line was meant to be a joke, but it somehow the dart hit the bullseye and it has never left me. The line was, "Second place is first place for losers."
Anyone who knows me, knows that I hate to lose. I can handle being on a winning team, I can handle not always having the obvious "victory." But I cannot STAND to lose. So much so that when I had a wall sit contest with some of my coworkers, I ended up going for an extra minute just to be in second place because it caused me so much stress and anxiety to be last. Because of this, I work extremely hard to be noticed, to improve, to become known for my skills in certain areas. I am also known for how competitive I am. I hate to lose. But when it's out of your control who wins and who loses, you realize something.
     For some people out there, you could be the very best they've ever seen at something. You could work your rear end off day and night, you could deserve what you are working for more than anyone ever has before.
     But for some people, that won't be good enough. Life sucks. Life doesn't play fair. You could win a battle, but ultimately lose the war. For some people, no matter what you do, you aren't good enough. For some people, you are always the extra, the nobody. You are half noticed, or half seen, or not noticed at all. Some people will always be biased, they will always pick favorites, and you will always be second place. If that.
     "Second place is first place for losers."
     For me, there are these same someones who all the time, always pick the exact same people, for the exact same things. I am second best, I am not seen or heard half of the time, or even most of the time. But because my habit is to bite my tongue, and put on a brave face, they don't care. I cannot tell you how many times adults have come up to me and made the most ignorant, rude comments because they simply aren't paying attention. How many times people are surprised by my talents taht I practice daily, they just don't care enough to see. It enrages me, it infuriates me, every time I think about it. i have been angry for months, no joke. Angry, furious, frustrated, sick and tense. Because all I wanted was a chance, and those chances were always given to the exact same people.

     Sometimes that's how life is. And it SUCKS, and you want to THROW THINGS, and you want to stand on your roof and CURSE until your throat and reputation are broken beyond repair.
     Because the people with power or authority are always the ones who can't look past their own noses and see that people exist. Real people with real feelings.
     These people? They're taking you for granted. You want to know what to do?
     Get out.
     Leave and never return. Run until the wind can't find you. If your absence doesn't affect their life, than your presence meant nothing to it. So run. Scream into the air and fight with that fire, that boiling rage that comes from being second place. What is the best part of a movie? When the underdog wins. The audeince cheers and cries and finds hope and energy when the underdog wins, because we've all been there. We've all been the underdog. We've all been in second place.
     Heck, some idiot called Einstein stupid as a child. Spite is one heck of a motivator.

     So go, win. Because you will one day. And those people who always put you in second place will be embarrassed, they will feel stupid and they will be sorry. Don't let them keep you down. If you don't, then they can't. Don't let circumstances change your dreams.

     Second place is NOT first place for winners. Second place is for winners in training.
     This is not nearly as uplifting as a post as my other ones. This is not to inspire hope and patience. This is to inspire confidence and motivation. This is to get you to fight for what you deserve, for what you want. This is to get people to stand up for themselves, to realize that when picking teams, when picking people for a play, when picking which friends to invite on an exclusive trip, it will not be fair. It will never be completely, totally, one hundred percent fair. Never. This is a wake-up call. You are confident, strong, and you can beat this.

Go get them second place.
Ever Sincerely,
Emily Kate

"Open Arms"

Dear readers,

How are you? Is life treating you well?
I have a question for you, and I want you to answer honestly. Just in your own mind. Take a minute to think about it.

Who do you trust?

Some of my friends read these posts. If I don't immediately spring to mind, no harm no foul. I struggle to trust people. We all have issues with our boundaries and we pick and choose who we let inside our walls. If you didn't pick me, that's understandable and accepted with love as a fact. We cannot bear our souls to everyone, so we pick the few we deem correct. Not everyone will see everyone else's soul.

Keep thinking about that question.

I saw a quote the other day that really struck me. It came after this story:
"I was sitting in a restaurant and on the other side of the aisle, in a booth, was this family. A little boy had his children's cup of powerade, and he wasn't being very careful. He dropped it, and spilled it all over the table, some of it dripped onto the floor. The little boy looked so scared, almost like he would cry, as he looked up at his dad.
His dad scooted him out of the booth, grabbed a handful of napkins, and said:
"It's okay, you weren't being careful. Watch for that next time, okay? Or you'll make more messes like this. Now let me show you how to clean it up."
I was almost floored from my own seat. Part of me had expected the father to be upset, and frustrated that in a public restaurant, his child had been messing around and made that mess. But instead he explained that that was how life works, that was the consequence of his not being careful, and helped him clean it up."
This story had a comment on it, that read, "This hit home. I was yelled at a lot as a kid, and as I am about to become a father, I realized something. When my kid messes up, at any age, I never want them to think "Oh shoot, my dad is going to kill me." I want their first thought to be, "Oh shoo, I've got to tell my dad.""

This got me thinking. Am I that kind of person? If someone messes up, do they fear my judgement or my wrath? I never want anyone to think that I will think less of them, be unkind or angry with them, just because they messed up. When I am grown, when I become a mother, if my son crashes my car, I want them to think, "I've got to call mom." Heck, if my daughter ends up pregnant at 16, I want her to think, "Mom will know what to do. Mom will help me figure this out." Consequences often times take care of themselves, but relationships of any and all kinds should not be maintained with fear.

I have messed up too. I've messed up big, I've messed up small. I mess up all the time. I am cross, I say things I shouldn't, I break things, I hurt people.
But as I evaluate my life, I realized, I should not be afraid of others' views of my mistakes. My mistakes are mine to make, and the consequences mine to handle as I choose.
I began to go through names of people I knew. If I messed up, and telling them was a prominent option, would I think, "They'll listen." or "They'll have advice." or was it, "What would they think?"
If it was the third one, I either cut them out of my life, or cut them out of certain areas.

I want to be the person that if someone messed up, big, bad, small, or insignificant, whatever. If someone messes up, they know I'm someone they could tell. Free of judgement. Even if they wouldn't tell me, maybe we aren't that kind of friends, or just aren't very close, that's fine. But I want people to know and trust that I will accept them, mistakes and all, every burden they carry, with open arms.

If my friend rips my favorite sweater, "No big, I can sew. I'll figure it out."
If my brother breaks my lamp. "I really liked that lamp, I expect you to help me replace it, but accidents happen."
Maybe I'll need time, we all do after something out of our control affects us in a way we cannot always repair. Forgiveness isn't always a fast process, but my goal is to make it a consistent one.

I have a 20 minute rule. Not everyone knows about it, lots of people forget, or ignore it. I am allowed to be mad, sad, angry, furious, distraught, for 20 minutes. I get 20 minutes, to genuinely feel my feelings, then I move on. We look at the problem objectively and move forward trying to fix it with a rational head.
20 minutes is all it takes.
20 minutes, and my arms are open once again.

Now let's go back to that question.
Who do you trust?
Has the answer changed? Have you thought of people who you should trust? Of people that you thought you did trust, but are thinking maybe you shouldn't?

If you fear judgement, if you not fully believe you will be met with open arms, it is time to rethink how they are allowed to impact your life.

Keep your arms open. Be judgement free, be loving, and forgiving.
Be the person you needed when you felt like you had no one at all.
That is what will truly change the world for the better.

Ever sincerely,
Emily Kate

"The Darkest Hour"

Dear Readers and Friends,
It's been just a hot second since I've posted. And by that I mean approximately a week.
I like to think that I am an optimist, someone who looks for the good in people and believes that even if life sucks right now, and that it is okay to feel and act like you know you're in a rough place, that it will get better one day. But often times, "one day" is a far off goal, that becomes exhausting and difficult to strive for. So I'm not going to talk about "one day." I'm not going to talk about "the light coming through the clouds" or the "silver lining."
     Let's talk about the "not so great" moments that come with being human.
     A few days ago, I was in a rough spot. It was a very brief rough spot, just a day, driven to a dark place by anxiety. It was one of those days where you want to run away from everything that is stressing you out, everything that is dragging you down. You want to run away and hide from the voices. But you can't. Because they're in your head. (Now please note that emotions belong in your head, your head is where you process things, and saying something is "in your head" does not invalidate what you are feeling in any way. Never tell someone that it's "all in their head" because chances are, they know that. They know it's not completely rational to be feeling this way but that doesn't mean they aren't feeling it or that they can just turn it off.) Because it was in my head, I couldn't run away. You can't run from your own mind. For better or worse, you're kind of stuck with it. But I was getting so frustrated down in my basement that I ended up throwing my glasses. It's a reason I pushed for contacts for so long is because I have a bad habit of throwing things when I'm truly angry, and no one is around to judge me for it.
     This was possibly my favorite pair of glasses I had ever owned. I actually liked wearing them sometimes. And in a rage, without thinking, while the voices in my head screamed and taunted at me, I threw them against a cement floor. The frame cracked. The lenses a little scratched up, but still fine to see through. But the frame was broken. I found those glasses still broken on the floor this morning, and became really sad.
     It was not my proudest moment.
     We all have those moments. Those moments are inevitable. I'm not going to share tips on how to get through them, I'm not going to share ideas on how to avoid them. I just want to talk about them. they are unavoidable and to avoid talking about them is just one more way that people aren't truly real with one another. So I'd like to do that.
     The emotions that often cause these "not so great" moments, are: anger, rage, sadness, frustration, confusion, fear, disgust, annoyance, loneliness, anxiety, guilt, embarrassment. There are so many others that we can't always put words to. I think the biggest thing with these emotions is acknowledging that they are there, accepting that they are there, and figuring out how to feel them in the best way. You are going to feel them. if you don't, that's just not healthy. Allow me to take a small religious tangent:

     Negative emotions, suck. They do. I am not the best at coping with them in a spiritual way. I struggle to turn to the scriptures, or to conference talks. I am not a perfect member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. But you will never, ever, hear me deny my testimony of the Savior. You will never ever hear me say that the Atonement doesn't work. Because even if I don't turn to my scriptures, even if I am not on my knees, if I have the thought, if I ask, if I listen to the right music, He is there during all of my darkest hours. I have never been closer to my Savior than when I felt so far away and isolated from the rest of the world. Something I do in many of my dark hours, is I will pray, and ask for a hug. Whether or not I want a physical human being to come find me and give me a hug, I will ask for one. Because that feeling, that spirit that touches your soul right then, it makes you feel so warm. That is a hug from your Savior.
   
     In these darkest moments, we often have the urges to do things we would not normally do. Impulses and instincts that kick in. The urge to throw things, for example. But there are other impulses. Ones that do not just affect objects, but that drastically can affect others, and you yourself. The urge to yell, to scream, to insult. Spitting fire and venom at those around you with words you don't mean. The urge to be violent. To shove things and throw things and break things. Some people have the urge to hurt themselves. Some people have the urge to end themselves.
     Read this very carefully. If you have any of these urges, before you give into them, talk to someone. It may seem ridiculous, but you will know who to talk to. You will know whether or not to talk about how you're feeling, or simply say "Hey, I'm in a not so great spot right now, can we talk and de-stress?" If you don't know of anyone you could or want to go to, text me. Let's be friends. 801-678-3757
     Please. I have been there. I have had scars from nights spent alone. I have had scratches deep enough to bleed hidden where no one can see. I have been there. I have overcome it. I did it almost alone. I never want anyone to have to get through it the way I did. Please. I will listen. I will be flexible to your needs. Talk to someone. If your first impulse isn't to find support or refuge, try to make it a habit. Habit can trump impulse and it is one of the few things that does so. These dark places are terrifying, they are scary. The thing we fear most about them, is that while your head is spinning and your heart may be racing, you may feel completely calm. That calm is a lie. It is not true. Go to someone. Go to religion, go to your sibling, go to your friend. Go to someone. You CAN push through this. But it will be infinitely harder alone. You are supported. You may be too tired to reach out, so I am reaching to you. Please.
     Don't do it alone. You did not come this far, to just come this far.

     The world is a scary place. It is unfamiliar and dark, and cruel and confusing. We will all find ourselves in these dark hours. I encourage you to seek refuge from the storms inside of you. I encourage you to accept that you may be unstable or lost right now, or in the future. And I encourage you to find the best way for you to move forward. Speed doesn't matter. Progress is progress.
     You do not have to bear this burden by yourself. Not everyone will be ready or willing to accept the weight, but the people who truly matter, will.
     I am ready and willing to carry weight with you.
     Do not give up. You are loved.
Ever sincerely,
Emily Kate

"Moving On"

Dear… world,

Yeah, all of you. I may take time to write individual letters to people, but I'd have a lot of letters to write. There's a new chapter coming, and it's scary. 

Not gonna lie, the future gives me a panic attack whenever I think about it. Not trying to be overly dramatic, just honest. 

But once I'm done hyperventilating in a corner, I find solace in stories. I find joy in adventures that take us back to good old times. I’m writing this right now because I just finished a story and got this huge wave of nostalgia. Like… huge. High school is pretty much over. I’ve only got so long left before I head off to college, and while I’m super excited for that chapter of my life… I am also terrified. And I mean terrified. The unknown is easily my greatest fear. I have other irrational fears, but they all kind of stem from that one. I hate the dark because I can’t see, and anything could be just beyond my vision. And I wouldn’t know. I hate going down in elevators because dropping with no physical control over yourself… you don’t know what would happen if something went wrong. I hate not knowing. I hate not having control. I hate being afraid. It’s literally the worst. I don’t know what’s coming and sometimes I do wish it was all just… over. As a kid, my faith is still a little shakeable. Excuse me for a moment while I take a tangent. 

The other day, I was contemplating death. And that sounds super edgy and dramatic, but I was thinking about my grandpa’s death, and other family members I’ve lost, and I realized one day, I wouldn’t have my parents with me anymore, and that thought was the most horrifying, gut wrenching thought I have ever had. I realized I could be living one day without my brothers, without my family, and I nearly had to pull over because I was getting so emotional and my anxiety was kicking in and that’s not good while you’re driving. And I wondered how on earth could I be sure? How on earth could I know there was an afterlife? I imagined dying and my brain just went black and I began to freeze up. Then the words of my mom came into my head. 

“I have never doubted since.” She was talking about her experience with the Book of Mormon. I haven’t read the Book of Mormon cover to cover yet. I want to, and I will especially if I go on a mission. But I realized something. Death is less scary for adults because they have made their way, they have found their path, they have their foundation, and their faith keeps them going. 

For a kid? Losing their parent is a nightmare because they don’t always have that unshakable faith quite yet. They’re still young, still learning. And becoming an adult and achieving that faith is a long hard process. And it is going to involve trials. It is going to involve loss. It is going to involve change. 

That’s my other phobia. Change. I hate it when things change. So much so that I suspect some of my being so averse to dating for so long was because when my friends got into relationships, the whole dynamic of the group changed and my subconscious, and my conscious conscious, didn’t like that at all. 

But I have made the decision. Through the end of this year, and this summer, I am going to take risks. I am going to make sure that saying goodbye is SO FREAKING HARD BECAUSE THE HARDER IT IS THE MORE IT MEANT TO YOU. I want to know that I am proud of everything I accomplished, that I don’t regret my mistakes and I learned and grew from them. I am going to send out a homeschool graduation announcement that I design myself. Possibly including a picture with my devil horns (if I can find them.) I am going to read, and watch movies, and absorb every story I possibly can. I don’t want to live just one life, I want to live thousands. And as I write this, the fear that drove me to do so is already subsiding. Change is hard. Change is scary. Sometimes, ripping the bandaid off works, sometimes it makes it more painful and sudden. 

It isn’t the same for everyone. The future, the past, the unknown, plans being difficult, plans going off the rails, and not having a plan, it all jumbles together into this mess of emotions and irrational thoughts that we’re too scared to face a lot of the time. 

This is so messy, this whole thing. But I hope it’s worth a read. 

Life is great. Life is hard. Life is a disaster. Life is beautiful. Life is the worst. Life is the best. Everything is unpredictable and people change, sometimes on a day to day basis. We will meet people and lose people. We will see and hear things that upset us. We will feel and touch things that excite us. We will be fully and completely human. 

Here is the point I’m trying to make it what will likely turn out to be several more paragraphs: 

Make a list. Make a list of everything you want to do until we move on to college. Ride a boat, go on that one roller coaster, ask that cute person out on a date, maybe even go on your first date, or your seventh date because you’re a hermit like me who finally got out there but is just awkward enough that you still kind of avoid it even if people asked you out you’d totally be down. Do something so stupid. Jump out of a tree. Build a pillow fort. Do something crazy with your hair. Get a henna tattoo. Drive your car down the canyon with the windows down, blasting Taylor Swift or AJR or Ava Max or Cascada or Kelly Clarkson or DISNEY MUSIC I don’t care whatever makes you feel good! Whatever makes your soul sigh! Belt your heart out, badly or well, and who cares if you voice crack keep going! Dance in the rain, barefoot and splash in every puddle you see. Run through the sprinklers, sit on a fence and look at the moon, count the stars from on top of a hill. Sit on your roof and watch the sunrise. Make a super cool super delicious cake. Go skateboarding or roller skating or biking around town with your friends. Play with your dog, play frisbee! (Seriously frisbee is so fun and so underrated I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again). Send out 200 texts then turn your phone off and don’t look at it for 8 hours. Take pictures with your friends, play games with your family, Wear that shirt you always kind of want to wear then always worry it doesn’t look good on you. Stay in the shower for 30 minutes. Take off your shoes and wade in that river. Run down the biggest hill you can find, swing on the swingset at a park, go down the slide and paint a cool rock and leave it for someone else to find! Visit your grandparents, out of the blue. Grandparents love that, it helps them know you really do care when their teenage grandchild pops in randomly and of their own accord. Paint the most amazing thing ever. Wear your pajamas all day. Slide across hardwood or tile floors in your fuzzy socks. 

LIVE

Live in every single moment. Capture it, remember it. Take chances and don’t care what anyone else thinks. Live 100% for you, and let others make it even better. Do what you want, say what you believe, and be what you feel. You’re only a teen for so long. Make the very most of it. And invite me along, I like seeing where other people are headed. 

You all have a story. WE all have a story. Every single one of us. And while I may be an intro/extrovert, I don’t mind people so much because they each have a story and I love stories. LIVE YOUR FREAKING DREAMS AND DON’T LET ANYONE STOP YOU. Do things! Take chances! Run wild and yell out loud. If the moon can’t hear you, you aren’t being loud enough. The stars are cheering you on, you’re the only you that they can see, so give them a show! Go adventuring in the middle of the night. Find a stick and use it as a sword, cross the great river and slay the mighty beast. Be the hero of your own story. Invite your closest friends along for every one of your crazy exploits, make memories. If you have a gut feeling to call or text or hangout with someone, DO IT. Even if you normally wouldn’t. Your gut just knows sometimes. Listen for the spirit, it has really great ideas. Follow them. Do you, go forth in the Lord’s work, and be remembered as someone who never wasted a single second. 

It’s senior year guys. I know it’s over, but we’ve had our last Halloween, our last Christmas, our last Easter, our last… well, just about everything. We’re almost done. This isn’t just the end of a chapter, it’s kind of the end of a book. We are finishing a novel and moving on to the sequel. In the sequel, sometimes the characters change, the plot and setting are different. Relish the adventure of a lifetime. 

Call people, show up at your best friend’s house and leave cookies on their porch, then sit 6 feet away and chat. Learn a new sport, a new instrument. Have a freaking BLAST. 

Guys, life is so short. I don’t want to have any regrets, and neither should you. So LIVE. I want to hear spontaneity. I want to see passion. I want to feel adventure. I want to taste the greatest that life has to offer. I want to smell salt water, and desert sand and pine trees and city air and ALL OF IT. 

And I hope you do too. 

In conclusion, take some risks. Take some chances. Put yourself out there and stand there, just as you are, for the whole world to see. Have the most epic adventures ever. Because we’re all about to move on. 

We should have something to tell people we meet. 

Live in the moment, and capture every second.

Ever sincerely, 

Emily Kate

My New Favorite Treat

Hello All! I have discovered something that I have surprisingly never done before. I know everyone else on earth has probably thought of this and tried it before, but I hadn't and now I want to share it with fellow unobservant souls.

Limeade:
It's like a copy-cat chik fil a frosted lemonade, but just a little different. Mostly because it's only two ingredients and I don't have lemonade, I have limeade.

1. As much vanilla ice cream as your heart desires.
2. Around 1-2 cups of limeade, lemonade, whatever.
3. If you want, you can blend in strawberries, or raspberries or other things too.

Scoop everything into a blender, blend it, stir, blend, etc. Add more ice-cream for a thicker result, more lemonade/limeade to make it thinner.

I am obsessed, I eat it right out of the blender.

Enjoy.

-Emily Kate

"Acceptance"

Dear Reader,

Sometimes people can be awful, can't they? And they don't even realize they're doing it sometimes. Or maybe they think they're being polite, but underlying messages and even the obvious intention of a statement can be painful. If you ever need someone to rant to, I know all about stupid and mean people. Text me, let's be friends.

Anyway, today I am going to share an idea of true acceptance.
My family does not fit in with our neighborhood. We are not perfect, and although we are members of the dominant faith, we don't see eye to eye about the stereotypical way everyone around us carries it out. I have not consistently gone to youth meetings since 8th grade. There are really only two people in our entire neighborhood that make me want to go at all. They are very sweet people who you can tell genuinely care about everyone around them.
If only everyone else were more like those two.

The youngest of my little brothers has ADHD, Dyslexia, and we suspect that he may be high functioning Asperger's Syndrome. He has a lot to overcome mentally, and at 11 years old, gets along better with kids a few years younger.
I love this kid with all my heart, and some families in the neighborhood that are fairly new, at least a few years newer than we are, have kids that are his age. My little brother thought these kids were awesome, these are his friends. But these kids it turns out, don't actually like him all that much. They like playing with him sometimes, but they will (and do) always pick others before him. Their parents? Tolerate him. I know these families very well, and have worked with them in school and other settings before. I know they get along pretty well with me, but it has become almost a trade off. Often times, I feel like I am tolerating them because of how differently they treat me than they do my brother.
I am a snarky, sarcastic person with an impulsive need to fight everything and everyone. This is a habit I am working to control, but sometimes, I find it useful. Especially when it comes to defending my family.
My family is dysfunctional. Every one of us has at least one mental disorder, though when I think about it I'm pretty sure we all have at least 2. We don't enjoy going to church because we struggle to feel spiritually connected to what we believe to be true when we always feel we are being judged. Judgement is one thing our religion is specifically against. Our religious leaders teach of being accepting of all, of showing unconditional love to those around us.
They do not teach of silent judgments, passive aggressive remarks, and arrogant tolerance of those who are different.
So why is it happening? I wish I had an answer, but feeling like an outcast who is only communicated with as an assignment, so people can feel they are accepting, is bull. It is absolute bull and I would use a swear word if I were not a woman of higher vocabulary.
I understand people have flaws. I like to think I am 100% accepting of those flaws (see "Being You"). And I usually am. But if those flaws are aggressive, and those "flaws" are hurting my family, then enough is enough. I will fight back and you will not like it.

However this is not just a story of my families frustrations, and how we've become to afraid to reach out to neighbors because of their (quite frankly, a little wealthy) egotistical, attitudes that constantly send us the message that they think they're better.

This is about what we can do, to never make anyone feel this from ourselves.

Acceptance is more than tolerance. Tolerance is acknowledging that flaws are there and continuing on despite them. Acceptance is acknowledging that flaws are there, and continuing on with them, because of them. Tolerance is "I know you have these bad habits, but I'm willing to be your friend anyway." This often leads to one side only giving half effort and creating a toxic environment within that relationship for both parties. Acceptance is "I know you have bad habits and other things to overcome. So do I. All the more reason to work together."

A few more examples:
Tolerance: Putting up with bad habits.
Acceptance: "Hey, this is a habit that kind of bothers/hurts me sometimes. Can we talk about how to make each other feel comfortable and work through some of this stuff together?"

Tolerance: "I know you can't change this so I'm going to hang out with other people until you can get it under control."
Acceptance: "Hey, I know you can't change this. Maybe we can use some space for both of our mental health, but let's talk and see how we can get through this. We'll definitely let each other know if we really need something. Space is not an infinite solution."

They seem really similar, in fact it's super hard to know if you are tolerating habits or accepting a person for who they are, especially in the moment. Once again referencing my previous article, "Being You," flaws are a part of the human condition. I used a metaphor saying that we are like broken glass. Some edges are smooth, some are sharp. We cannot always change our shape or what parts of us affect other people. But if someone gets hurt on a sharp end, what is important to a true meaningful friendship, romantic relationship, anything at all, is being able to notice it, back up, come at it from a different angle where you won't get poked by the sharp end, and then smooth out the glass together. Sometimes, you may still bump into that habit, but it hurts less after being smoothed down. Progress is being made. You will get there eventually, together. With enough resilience and patience.

Tolerance: Look, I think we both need to figure some things out. I think we need to be done (for a while).
Acceptance: Let's make sure we are doing what we need for ourselves, even if that requires space and time for a little bit, but let's work this out together. 

My favorite quote I have ever read regarding any relationship, is:
"Remember, it is never you vs. them. It is both of you against the problem." If we visualize how we treat others this way, we can find the good parts of them, and hold on through the dark moments. Everyone has them. It is so important that we continue to be there for those around us even when it's hard. Think of the people in your life who have done the same for you.

My family and I, are not always accepted by our neighbors. In fact, we seldom are. To avoid making enemies, we kept to ourselves. But we have each other. My family, extends far beyond my immediate family by blood. My friends are my family. My coworkers are my family. My school is my family.
Text me, let's be friends. Because at the end of the day, I like helping people. I want people to feel unconditionally accepted and loved. I will do everything I can to be accepting of those around me, I extend this same challenge to you. And when you are a part of my family?
I like to hope that you'll never be lonely again.

Be kind. Be loving. Be accepting.
Do no harm but take no crap.

Ever Sincerely,
Emily Kate

The "Ever Sincerely" Project

Dear Readers (however few of you there are),

I've decided to give this little habit of mine a name. When I have deep thoughts or learn a lesson I really want to share, I'll post it on here. Maybe someone will stumble across this one day and read something they really needed to hear that day.  Maybe the only people who will see this, are the friends and/or family I share this with. But either way, it's a good way to get a message across without overloading a group chat. These are my real thoughts, the small ideas that float through my mind and help define me as one of the most strange, roundabout human beings you will ever have the pleasure of knowing. These are the constructs of words that I live for, that I strive for and work for. Emotions stitched into letters and paragraphs, you know? Anyway, I hope that someday, somehow, somewhere, someone finds something on here special.
Speaking of being a strange and roundabout human being, I'm going to go watch a thoughtless tv show now that I'm done being thought provocative and deep.

Ever Sincerely,
Emily Kate

"Being You"

Dear whoever finds themselves reading this:

Wow, I forgot I had this again. What a fun little blog for a 6 year old to have set up, huh?

Anyway, I have another rant/essay with some thoughts on the human condition. If I haven't already bored you somehow, I congratulate you. Text me, let's be friends.
I had this thought earlier, I was thinking in a meme format almost, comparing myself and how I act in certain situations.
I had: "Me trying to be cute" vs. "Me being myself."
And I looked at the pictures I would have associated with those two things and for a second, I almost liked the ones where I was "trying" more. I almost felt really bad about myself. Who was I if I liked myself more when I was "trying?"
That's when it hit me.
I was still being me. Being myself isn't one hundred percent made up of big awkward smiles and eyes that squint a little when I laugh. It isn't just what you get when you add up my desire to wear bright colors, crazy hair habits and love of animals.
From the perspective of a writer, reading about a character who is perfect, is boring. Very boring. I noticed how some characters I read about are eccentric of "excessively unique" but that's their only real defining feature.
Perfect characters are made realistic and relatable by having flaws.

Being unique is not a flaw.
Being different is not a flaw.
Not fitting the mold is not a flaw.
In fact, characters who are like this but don't have any real character issues to overcome, are almost their own "Stereotype of perfection."

Forgive me, I use quotation marks a lot in this rant/essay.

Here is where this all ties together:
When looking at my pictures, my "being cute" with small smiles and wide eyes, was still just as me as wearing devil horns and unicorn socks. Not everybody defines "cute," "attractive," or "beautiful" in the same way. I was only doing what I thought made me look, at first glance, "cuter."
Those kinds of pictures are not the ones I share with others, which is why I didn't post them with this whole theory. But I realized, when I was trying to seem one way, I would first thing cover up my flaws. When I was trying to hard, I would overcompensate for them. As though being myself meant getting rid of those traits that forged me into the very thing that I was trying so hard to be.

The same way a good character in a story needs flaws and challenges to overcome, so do we.
Sometimes, who I am is obnoxious. Who I am is loud at the wrong moments. Who I am doesn't know what to say, as much as I'd like the opposite to be true. Sometimes who I am is being really unsure if I have felt any romantic inclinations in the last three years, or if I was making them up because I wanted to feel what I saw my friends feeling. Sometimes who I am is being tired, and having a panic attack when the procrastinating thanks to ADHD, and lack of motivation that comes with depression, spirals into a hyperventilating fit when my anxiety/panic disorder suddenly has to deal with it. I am afraid of the dark. I don't wake up on time because of how often I wake up at 2 AM from a completely empty sleep, just to go into a nightmare my brain is making up in real time.
I am witty and snarky and sometimes enough that I can accidentally really offend my friends, or they feel like I don't like them or are attacking them verbally. It is not something I mean to do, but it is something I have to learn not to do.
These are problems.
These are things about me that other people may find hard to deal with.
These are things I wish people knew and I wish I could talk about, but I don't at all the right times and sometimes I bring it up at the wrong times, when it's the last thing people want to hear is how I'm often underestimated and overlooked because people think that just because I show some mildly more intense symptoms of anxiety, I can't control or handle it.
These are things I have to overcome.
It is going to take LOTS of time to overcome them.

And they are every bit as much a part of who I am, as my car alarm laugh, the fact that I wear devil horns as a "screw you" to the rest of the world, as the fact that I love Build-A-Bear, underrated movies with strange plots, and books by Marissa Meyer.

This is me. And I am never going to be easy to deal with. But the most important people in your life, aren't always going to be easy for you to handle either. It's finding the ones who are willing to stick it out for you, and you are willing to stick it our for them in return, that is the most important.
It's finding the ones whose broken pieces fit with yours, like an obscure puzzle, that sometimes cuts and scratches people. Nobody is in the wrong, you just need to come at it from an angle that isn't so sharp, and you can smooth out the edges together.

This is me. This is us. Embrace yourself, knowing that who you are is enough and knowing where you need to work on your habits is the first step to improving, to becoming not just yourself,
but the best version of you you can be.

This has been advice from a teenager who is not a therapist, but who feels like sometimes it needs to be said.

Ever sincerely,

Emily Kate

The Virtual Classroom, vs. the Physical Classroom

Wow so I forgot I had this. Woot. This is for you Bekah.

As someone who started dual enrollment in 8th grade, with the plan to test for my GED and take the ACT before applying to a college I hadn't yet chosen, I am well aware of both the benefits and dangers that come with all forms of dual enrollment. My situation is unique however, my plan was thrown off the rails when I began enjoying the mainstream high school classes enough, that I decided I wanted to graduate and walk with my friends. I am now making up the credits that I technically don't have because of my home school route. This is where East Shore Online comes in. If you've ever been thinking about this path of education, here are some things to consider:
     1. Motivation. The biggest thing to consider is whether or not you have the self motivation and focus to spend the time working through online courses, packets, or textbooks at home. I was falling behind in my math classes for a while because I lacked the motivation to do... basically anything involving numbers. Now, I'm working double time to make up for it. It isn't impossible, but it's frankly easier and more pleasant to simply avoid falling behind in the first place.
     However, the motivation street can go two ways. I am incredibly self motivated with English, to the extent that I finished a whole year's worth of English in under two months. There are also ways to boost motivation, and focus on these alternative courses. At my high school, there is a "Red Room" in which the teachers' jobs are to help the students in there makeup/earn credits through the packet courses, and assist them in completing them. At home, I struggled with the math and geography packets, however once second semester started and I joined the Red Room period, I began to catch up. I now had a way to learn at my own pace, in an environment that I had already associated with learning and focus.
     2. Time. Some of these courses are very time consuming. That's another benefit of Study Hall and Red Room like classes, where there's allotted time during the school day itself to work on these things. If you're like me, and you enjoy extra-curricular activities, and being busy, then I recommend trying to fit one of these classes into your schedule. The online packet classes have greatly benefited my education, it just took me a while to figure out what the best way of accessing them or me was.
     3. Pacing. The pacing of the packets is one of the biggest advantages they have. You have access to the course 24/7, there's limited "homework," since you're learning throughout the whole day, and the teachers have a grading schedule. You know when you're work will be seen and graded, so you can get your questions answered, and mistakes fixed, fast. Since a lot of automatic grading is done by the computer, the teachers (who are actual people making lesson videos and assignments) have more time to converse with students via email and help them through issues they run into. This point takes us to our next item on the list.
     4. Student-teacher interaction. The teachers at East Shore are great to work with, patient, and have the time and ability to work directly with individual students and answer their questions.Through my online math courses, I have emailed the teacher often, and gotten replies fast. I've never been left confused after discussing my questions and/or concerns with the teacher, and it allowed me to not only move through the courses faster, but earn higher grades than I would have in a traditional classroom.
     5. An inability to fail. This point applies only to East Shore Online, to the extent of my knowledge anyway. My experience has been with home school and the online packets through East Shore. On East Shore, you cannot take the final test without earning at least a 70% on every assignment. Because of this, you have the chance to make sure you are understanding the material well enough to earn the passing grade, before taking the final exam of the unit, which weighs much more heavily on your final grade than the assignments. While this may seem limiting, it is actually just why the communication with the teachers is so important. I have never felt limited because the preparation for the final test has always been a huge deciding factor in my final grade. It also isn't hard to earn the passing grade, because the lessons are tailored to be applicable to all the problems in the assignment. If the goal was to make difficult material easy to understand, it was well accomplished.
     Not everyone fits in the traditional classroom, and not everyone fits in an alternate one. While I do recommend the online schooling, if it doesn't work for you, then it doesn't work. However, I do believe these packets are well created to work for everyone, for whatever reason they find themselves taking them. If you've never heard of East Shore, ask your school counselor about it. It may pull you out of an educational crisis you didn't even know you were in.

How To Make Chocolate Dipped Pretzels

My Brothers Playing Star Wars

Sunset in California

More of my photography

This picture of the duck won me third place at the Utah State Fair.
My first photography award ever.

My pictures

How to make Mothers Day Cupcakes.

Welcome to my Blog

Hi, I am EK and this is my blog. I want to share craft ideas and fun cooking that you can do that I come up with.

I hope you come back often and see all the fun things you can do! There are different things to see all the time.